Hello again you lovely Chelsea people. Two days have passed since the game versus West Ham, which like the typical pessimistic long-term supporter and Chelsea coward, I predicted would finish 2-2. Where on earth did I fish 2-2 from as a prediction? Even I’m wondering that after seeing the demolition job we actually did on them. All I can say in my defence is I was sitting on my favourite fence, hedging my usual bets, anticipating the least bad scenario without tempting the monster we know as fate to pull up outside my house in the humble pie delivery lorry.
Good though, wasn’t it? Two days after the event I am not going to do a minute-by-minute precis of how the match unfurled, and here’s one thing you definitely won’t find me talking about (aside from the dull-arsed tactics bollocks), and that’s ‘inverted left back’. As phrases go, this is up there with the tactics obsessed saddo’s who watch the games through heatmaps, spreadsheets, pie charts and other such non-football wankerie. Stick it in the bin along with ‘gegenpress’ ‘regista’ and double pivot. The game is 11 vs 11, simple. But if you want to sound impressive, just talk about what you watched and what we saw and stop making up stupid phrases and words to describe elements of the game.
Have it.
So, to the game ironically, it was almost a sunny day, clouds were looming for later in the day but as I walked to the entrance with Martin Wickham and Dan Silver of this parish, it genuinely felt like the first proper day of summer. Optimism was certainly plentiful with many of the home crowd, except for good old doomsayer me as usual. I really need to find the faith sometimes and stop seeing every game as a banana skin. Taking the Arsenal blip out of recent games, we’ve played well vs Manchester United squeaking a win, played some lovely stuff versus Villa despite going 2 down, and then beat the loathsome Spuds in one of the best and most confident performances of the season. Of course, as we know, past performance is no indication or guarantee of future or current performance and we outplayed West Ham at their ground early in the season and somehow contrived to lose. They are not a bad team on paper, Bowen is a proper goalscorer, I mean he hit the bar 3 times Sunday and on another day he’s taking the match ball home with him. Paqueta looks a classy addition, Antonio whilst past his peak can still find the net, Ward-Prowse knows how to score from free kicks against us, Zouma and Emerson formerly of our beloved club were never ‘bad’ players, just not exceptional enough for us. The one we should have got, even though I had never heard of him is Kudus, who every time I’ve seen him has been mesmerizingly good, exciting and creative. From what I’ve see he’d fit us like a glove.
However, as time went on it was obvious they were being outclassed by us. We were fast on the break, calm at the back, intelligent passing play between all the lads. We were witnessing something quite special and West Ham looked like the boxer who gets hit in round one, see’s the birds flying around their head but somehow manages to keep fighting on for a few rounds without really landing a punch. I’ve seen plenty of ‘West Ham were rubbish’ type comments across social and mainstream media, and frankly I think it’s disingenuous towards us. We made them look rubbish because we looked so good. Ditto Palace beating United 4-0 last night, the narrative again being one of United being poor as opposed to how good Palace played. It’s downright bloody insulting because it diminishes the good work of the winner and looks to heap criticism on the loser and make them the story. We played superb, thrilling football and West Ham, as distracted as they might have been by the rumours (now confirmed) about managerial changes did not know how to cope with us.
At half time we were 3 up, goals from Cole Palmer, Conor Gallagher and Noni Madueke putting us at ease, no doubt Pochettino as well and leaving the Hammers with the conundrum of how to play the second half? Come at us and risk conceding a goal or select damage limitation mode and risk…err…conceding a goal? In the end they didn’t really do either as they were stuck in a football version of Purgatory, by the end of the match they’d moved firmly into football hell after a lovely piercing ball from our Trevoh Chalobah found Noni in space in the box and he in turn and completely selflessly passed to Jacko for him to tap in. Jacko found himself in more space for goal number five, but to around 90% of the crowd it looked offside. The lino flagged it for offside the minute it went into the net. Fair play to Jacko here he played to the whistle and didn’t think about offside, he just slid the ball perfectly into the net and celebrated although it did look a bit half-hearted. Ah well…….errr….hold on…….VAR is looking at the goal. Ripples of confusion and hope spread through an already contented crowd, there was some derision…although I am not sure why because the goal was flagged offside and not given ON THE PITCH…so VAR could only be looking to…..errr…..allow the goal. Which is seemingly the exact opposite of all of the crowd’s experience of VAR. It took a few minutes, which means it wasn’t ‘clear and obvious’ but I think some of us viewed this as a form of torture…..
Lino to Ref: ‘he’s offside guv’
Ref to Lino: ‘cheers, I’ll call it’ – blows whistle and signals no goal
VAR to Ref: ‘Hold on pal, we’re sure your right, but let’s check, confirm and piss off the home crowd anyway’
Ref to VAR: ‘Yeah, bollocks to them, they’re 4-0 up..and the game needs a talking point….’
Ref to VAR: ‘Houston, is there a problem, you’ve had a minute..’
VAR to Ref: ‘static noise………..
Ref to VAR: ‘Come on ffs..it’s been nearly 2 minutes…it’s getting a bit aggy out here’
VAR to Ref: ’Hold on, were looking really close at this, just to make sure we don’t have to give the goal……’
VAR after 3 minutes….’fuck ….it’s only onside….this is a disaster….you gonna tell him?’
Ref to VAR: ‘JFC come on lads, back me up here, surely it’s OK to let the Hammers restart the game……’
VAR to Ref ‘Errrr…….it’s actually a goal…….we’ve looked at every angle and….it’s a bloody goal….bollocks…you’re going to have to do the square signal and give it’
Ref to VAR: ‘you’re kidding me, thanks for nothing you throbbers….now I look an idiot…’
VAR to Ref: ‘that’s why you get the big bucks, see you later, I’ll buy you a pint or two to make it up’
Ref to VAR: ‘….you’d better…then we can get our stories straight for Howard…’
Ladies and gentlemen, that’s how VAR might work! They actually gave us the goal, allowing Jacko and us to have a sort of second celebration. I’d say the West Ham fans would have been furious but in truth, most of them had decided there’d been a fire drill and evacuated the building. Their part of the ground was emptying at a rate akin to people escaping on the slide from a crash-landed Boeing on the runway. In itself that was quite a joyous sight as it meant no more of the ‘Billion pounds and you won fuck all’ and the odd ‘champions of Europe’ chant they had the absolute gall to throw at us.
So, 5-0 up and still looking like we could score more, but understandably the throttle was being choked back a bit. Pochettino made some subs which were necessarily unnecessary, but gave minutes on the pitch to young Casadei, the elusive Nkunku (who didn’t do much in his few minutes…my jury remains out there) and the marvellous Malo Gusto, the man who will be forcing Pochettino to find another role for Reece James when and if he’s ever fit again. Disasi also came on allowing the rock steady Thiago Silva to get a lovely appreciative applause and cheer from the home crowd. I’ve readily criticised Silva at times, but constructively and deservedly…but there is no getting away from his massive positive impact and influence on us since his arrival. It’s time to move on, but with gratitude, respect and love to a great player.
I’m not going to single out many players as the display from everyone was good, and yes that includes Mudryk apart from one defensive lapse where he let the West Ham player ghost past him…and he should have scored but shot straight at Areola. And he takes a bloody good corner. I’m not complaining about the lapses though because everything else he did was good and I want more shots from players instead of the fannying around looking for the extra pass we so often see. Conor scored a belter, the goal count is starting to rise for him and that’s good to see, Palmer also took his chance beautifully. It was all good, but…special mentions to the players in intention for my Man Of The Match.
Noni Madueke and Marc Cucurella (yes again!). Madueke in the right mood is electric. He teased and tortured Emerson all game long, just as he did with the Spurs left side 3 days before. He took shots, some very close to going in. He even got someone from this parish who had passing referred to him as a pub player to think again about that. More please Noni. But once again, for the second consecutive game the award goes to Cucurella, who might as well be driving the humble pie lorry to my house and giving me a huge slice personally. I’ve no idea what the ‘inverted left back’ bollocks he’s been branded with is about. I suspect there are many like me who couldn’t care less either. What a transformation we’ve seen in him. He is combative, positive, calm, he tracks back brilliantly, links well to the left and midfield and covers both areas brilliantly. I think he misplaced one pass and got the ball back almost immediately. He got an undeserved yellow card and took it on the chin. It’s an amazing turn round from someone who Tuchel, Potter and Lampard failed to get a tune from. I’m wondering what Pochettino would have done with Havertz now……although he hasn’t got a tune from Sterling thus far for very long. Long may this new Chelsea Cucurella continue. Another potential selection problem lies ahead when and if Chilwell ever comes back fit and robust.
Finally, I’m now off to France for a couple of weeks R&R with a little DIY work to be done on my holiday home on wheels. But I go with renewed hope and having seen enough signs of a potentially exciting future from this squad, and from Pochettino who it seems has a very good relationship with all the players. It would be lunacy to tear that up and start again with a new manager , but knowing us it wouldn’t be that much of a surprise…..that’s the sort of crap we’ve seen before. Irrespective of ownership. We have three games left and a very possible place in a European competition which UEFA had to invent in order to stop us singing ‘we’ve won it all’ ….although we never will of course. Why should we? But they are arguably tricky games, Forest not quite out of danger yet, and points deduction appeals rejected, Brighton….surely on the beach you’d think but able to upset Villa at the weekend and of course Bournemouth which I still think of as an easy game, but I’m very aware of the hoodoo sign they’ve had over us in recent years. No predictions from me other than my usual cowardly I’ll take three draws whilst secretly deep down inside thinking we can win each one with this renewed confidence on display and caveating that with our Glorious Unpredictability and Consistent Inconsistency. Until next season then you lovely people, although I might find the time to do an end of season piece once whatever dust has settled.
It’s not goodbye, it’s Au Revoir….A’ Bientot ……..la saison prochaine!
KTBFFH, GJ or TG, depending on my alter ego mood!
The Grocer’s View – Communal Purring – CFC vs WHU 050524
